Treating addiction with love. This post is about learning to heal myself. Some of the ways I practice living better. Living with joy. I was chatting with Arvid the other day about addiction and the need to normalize problematic behaviors in order to take away their power and I got to thinking about essential components of behavioral change.
Everything I share here is just my personal addiction observations, not any kind of formal treatment plan. I am not a medical professional and this article is not medical advice. Please remember that. I am just a woman obsessed with healing and growth and this is part of my story. But after that chat with Arvid – and a different conversation with my friend, J, – I landed on a few key points that have helped me change some problematic addictions. I want to share them.
Change and healing come from hope, not cruelty. Hating yourself will never lead you to meaningful change. Treating addiction with love and acceptance and positive new routines can lead to meaningful improvement in your quality of life.
First, let me say that I have struggled all my life with addiction and self harm. I have made TREMENDOUS progress and have managed to stop several behaviors that are widely recognized to be very very difficult behaviors to change. But I am not perfect and I do not claim to abstain completely from all unfortunate behavior patterns. For me personally, I do not measure success by total abstinence, I measure my growth by sustainable happiness, peacefulness, self acceptance, optimism, joy, love, and compassion. In other words, if my life is more stable and more joyous and calmer and has less drama and I am choosing self harm less often, then I am moving in the right direction and I consider that to be success. By focusing this way, I have managed to completely stop some behaviors and mostly stop others and I have managed to grow many very healthy patterns of behavior as new self care routines.
That being said, my addictions mostly have to do with food and money and co-dependence and I have no personal experience with drug or alcohol dependence, so I encourage folks with those problems to read my words in that light. I THINK some of the things I have learned should translate well to any addiction, but I do not know that.
My friend, J, shared some of his thoughts and experiences with me recently concerning how he chose to treat his alcohol dependency and I will share a few of his thoughts to start. (I am very proud of him! He has been living sober for more than 20 years.) Among other things, J said Alcoholics Anonymous is a phenomenally successful option for some addicts. He said it provides alcoholics a level of support that is unparalleled and that sharing stories with folks who may be very different from you but who have fought the same battles can be powerfully healing. I suspect in part because it normalizes problematic behavior in a way that I think is essential to healing. We all have to get the shame out of our inner dialogs as much as possible! J also said that late stage alcoholism can be deadly in a way that other addictions may not be. He said the primary purpose of AA is to give people a way to let pain go. That people come to AA to find help. He said finding people who will help take the pain away is essential to sobriety. He also encouraged taking life one day at a time and focusing on sobriety versus quitting drinking. Language matters.I also find that focusing on sobriety versus quitting behaviors is super helpful. Living sober, to me, is about not running from life. Not trying to escape your feelings. Sobriety is about staying present in your life and feeling your emotions. That is the important thing. Living! Being alive now! As you are. With love. I find it easier and more powerful to focus on living better than to focus on quitting things. When I am living well, leaving the bad shit behind just happens naturally.
Love
1. an intense feeling of deep affection.
The most important thing J said was this… I will paraphrase, but he said something like, “You have to try everything. Throw everything at it. When you get to the point of reckoning with your addiction, when you hit bottom, you have to try anything and everything to get out of that addiction. Throw everything at it, fight it from all angles, find what works for you.”
I have tried 12-step groups for my problems and they were not helpful for me, but I tried them! You have to try everything if you truly want to heal. It has to be your top priority.
I agree with J about pain. I have heard addiction described as a disease of isolation and loneliness. I believe addiction and self harm are all about attempting to escape pain by yourself. And I believe addiction cannot survive forever in an atmosphere of love and connection. Find love and connection wherever you can find it. 12 step groups are one place you might find help.
I have found love and connection in books about change and growth, in poetry and memoirs, in music about addiction and suffering and music about healing, in art, in movies, and with like minded friends and teachers. And in sacred places. One of the most healing parts of my journey has been a park where I spend much of my free time. I feel deeply connected to that place and the many living growing things there. I feel loved there and I feel more loving when I have been walking there.
Habit
1. a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.
For me, an essential part of healing and developing sobriety has been letting go of people and places and patterns that were not healthy. Choosing to spend my time in healing places, with healing books and music, seeking people who helped me or added something good to my life while avoiding people who were not also seeking growth. You have to pay attention to what you are receiving. In my experience, most addicts and folks who self harm are really sensitive people. You have to pay attention to what you are allowing into your world. Into your mind and your heart. If you put poison in your body, your body gives up. If you put poison in your mind or your heart or your soul, it will kill you just the same. Make a habit of checking in with yourself and asking yourself, “Is this leading me where I want to go or taking me away from myself?”
(When I mention healing stuff, I am NOT talking about mindlessly happy stuff. I am talking about music and books and people and places that help you find your truth.)
Routine
1. a sequence of actions regularly followed; a fixed program.
Habits and routines have also been key to my recovery. I don’t think you can give up destructive patterns and routines if you are not also cultivating new positive habits and routines. Recovery involves changing how you see yourself, how you experience the world, how you feel your emotions, and how you meet your needs. EVERYTHING contributes to these elements. Where you are, how you are, who you are with, the tools you use to cope.
Some of the new habits and routines I have developed over the years to replace destructive patterns….
WRITING: I write. All the time. Not for an audience. Just for me. I write to hear myself. To witness how I talk to myself and about myself internally. To document – and change – my inner narrative. Private personal writing is the single most powerful tool I have found for change. I write every day. If you are not sure where to start, you might begin by writing about the gray areas that are most unknown to you. For most addicts, that would likely mean starting by writing about pain or anger or fear or sadness. Just write out what you feel as much as possible. In the beginning, it will be clumsy and uncomfortable. That is good! That is a sign you are moving beyond your comfort zone and learning and growing. Keep at it. You will move deeper and deeper over time. The more you learn about your heart and mind, the more you express your feelings, the lighter the burden you will be carrying, the less you will be at war with yourself, the less you will need to escape your life. Also, if you start with writing, you can practice expressing your feelings just to yourself. Once that becomes more comfortable, it will be easier to express your feelings to others and begin forming healthy connections. Writing is a tremendous tool for learning to love yourself.
TALKING: I have been talking to therapists for much of my life. Talking is a powerful tool for change. Talking is a way of giving more weight to your thoughts and feelings. Valuing them. Talking about your experiences is a way of honoring them. Telling your story is a way of saying, “I am here. I am alive. I exist. I matter.” Find ways to establish positive habits that involve telling your story! To a therapist, to a support group, and / or if you are fortunate enough to find one, to a true friend. TALK! It matters. The more you talk to a supportive audience, the more connected you are, the more YOU can see and hear your story clearly. Talking and writing can help you move from being a victim to being a survivor.
(Talking to pets counts in my book, too!)
WALKING: For me, walking in the state park nearby is medicine. I need to walk. It keeps me sane. My feet need to connect with the earth, my eyes need to see the natural world, my mind needs to perceive myself as a tiny component in a much larger system, my heart needs to feel the seasonal cycles of growth and dormancy that remind me I am not supposed to be happy all the time, my skin needs to feel the breeze or the wind or the stillness or the humidity or the rain. I need to connect in this way. I love the park like some humans love other humans. The park is my home and my family. Find your sacred places. And then WALK! Keep walking. Walk out your pain and your loss.
RESEARCH: I spend part of every day learning. About psychology, spirituality, creativity, neural plasticity, storytelling, love, grace, compassion, meditation, nutrition, power, freedom, leadership, courage, trauma, recovery, etc. Research anything and everything that interests you. We live in a world that prioritizes entertainment. And I do believe that having fun is important! But make time to research and learn, too. Feed yourself good knowledge and wisdom.
REST: I take time every day to sit still and just be. To rest. Usually with animals resting on me. 🙂 I play quiet music in the background and I am just still for a while. Not napping – though I recommend that, too! – but just being quiet and resting. Rest is essential. Rest is healing. Rest lets your mind and your body settle. And I think it helps your brain recalibrate, too. If you stay too busy all the time, your thoughts and feelings fall behind. Make time for rest. Every day. You deserve your own time. We are not in these fragile bodies for long. As much as possible, sit still in your beautiful body and just be.
LOVE: Man, if you are lucky enough to find good people to love, people who can love you back, MAKE TIME FOR LOVE. Nothing else is more important. Love is why we are here. Love WILL heal you if you let it. Make time for love. Build routines around love. Express your love. Often and in as many ways as possible. Build daily routines around talking to loved ones, hugs, kisses, sex, walks together, reading about love, writing about love, love songs, all of it! I am not just talking about romantic love and I definitely am not talking about the kind of delusional love thrown at us by businesses and marketing agencies. I am talking about complicated, difficult, challenging, real love. Muscular love. Practice it! Reach for it. Give yourself over to it wherever possible. Surrender to love.
NUTRITION: I have found that eating real food instead of man made crap makes a measurable difference in my moods and thought patterns. I definitely think clearer and feel better when I am avoiding garbage food and drink. I TRY to make daily routines of buying beautiful natural foods and preparing beautiful natural foods and enjoying beautiful natural foods. And clean pure water. I feel so much better when I do. And I love seeing beautiful natural foods in my kitchen. I even love seeing peelings and trimmings and such in my trash instead of gaudy food packaging. I enjoy knowing I am taking better care of myself physically. I eat fruits and vegetables and meat and eggs and dairy and nuts and seeds. I do not eat grain or sugar or weird man made oils. I am not perfect at this, but I try daily to heal myself with good food and I definitely feel happier and less distracted and less moody when I eat clean.
In conclusion, I have found paths to healing and recovery that work for me. Practices that help me. Tools I can use to pull myself up and out of the darkness. I do not fight the darkness. I do not hate the darkness. I do not run from the darkness. I accept my pain. I value it. I own my sorrow and loss and grief. I know the landscape I love so much NEEDS dormancy sometimes. Needs rain. If all the days were sunny, everything would burn up and die. I accept myself as flawed. I accept my story as it unfolds. But I also do seek the light. I don’t run from the dark, but I seek the light. Like a sunflower, I bend toward the light.
Connection
1. a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.
TO DO: Find your own best tools and practices. Connect with the people and places and books and music that heal you. Don’t try to be perfect, just try to be more fully alive and be the unique, damaged, scarred, beautiful, funny, odd soul that you are. Please try to have hope. Try to have faith. Better days are ahead. You will find your joy if you keep looking. Let go of the toxic crappy parts of your life and give yourself permission to seek joy and pleasure and happiness. Set yourself free. The world needs your smiling face. And your sensitive heart.
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Stay with us! Life gets better.
