I will be writing about theory of mind often, I think. It is an important tool for Space Lobsters. Theory of Mind (ToM) is key to self awareness, self acceptance, compassion, empathy, and more. Those of us who are non-conforming need ToM even more than neurotypicals do.
From Wikipedia: Theory of mind (ToM) is a popular term from the field of psychology as an assessment of an individual human’s degree of capacity for empathy and understanding of others. ToM is one of the patterns of behavior that is typically exhibited by the minds of neurotypical people, that being the ability to attribute—to another or oneself—mental states such as beliefs, intents, desires, emotions and knowledge. Theory of mind as a personal capability is the understanding that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one’s own.
Possessing a functional theory of mind is considered crucial for success in everyday human social interactions and is used when analyzing, judging, and inferring others’ behaviors. Deficits can occur in people with autism spectrum disorders, genetic-based eating disorders, schizophrenia, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, cocaine addiction, and brain damage suffered from alcohol’s neurotoxicity; deficits associated with opiate addiction reverse after prolonged abstinence.
What is Theory of Mind?
My explanation of theory of mind:
Imagine a world where everyone wears simple black scrub pants and black shirts. And written on their clothing in clear white block print are all of the potentially shameful labels that could ever have been applied to them. So for instance, my outfit would say, among other things, “ADHD, survivor of childhood abuse and neglect, former anorexic and bulimic, problems managing money, overeater, disorganized, judgmental, fearful, anxious, depressed, bisexual, asexual, overly sexual, antisocial, rude, self indulgent, self righteous, helpless, ugly, needy, insecure, fat, broken, lost, angry, willful, arrogant, reactive attachment disorder, PTSD, self-destructive, impulsive, loner.”
EVERYONE you know is similarly attired with their own potentially shameful labels. No one has secrets. Everyone can see our humanity on full display. Everyone can see the burdens you are carrying. You can see the long journey they have been on. They might more easily imagine how hard it has been for you to participate fully in society. You might better imagine how miraculous their genuine happiness is now that you see what they endured to get where they are.
Now imagine that everyone also has a big three ring binder they carry with them. A big fat scrapbook. And in that book are all of their beliefs and memories and fears. All of their emotions and life experiences. All these things are laid out in their scrapbooks very clearly in a way that you can look through the book and quickly understand how they see the world. How they experience being alive in this world. Their perspective.
Once you read your friend’s labels on his outfit and you look through his scrapbook, you immediately understand that he experiences life differently than you do. The map he uses to navigate the world is different than yours. You understand this in a deep and lasting way so that in the future when the two of you have a disagreement, you no longer feel as though he is trying to change you or beat you or win some sort of contest with you. You now understand the disagreement as being two people with very different mental maps trying to find some common ground. Two people trying to be understood. Trying to connect with each other.
You remember all of the experiences and feelings in his book which are very different from the feelings and experiences in your book and you no longer go through a disagreement with him looking for ways to win or to prove you are right. You now go through disagreements with him aware of his map and how it looks nothing like your map. So you know that when he expresses himself – even if he is talking about you! – he is expressing his map, his experiences, his feelings. This is not to say he is projecting. Simply that he is seeing the situation through his own lens and that his lens is shaped by his experiences and beliefs which are different than yours. There is a saying, “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” That means, you see the world in terms of what you know. If you have always been attacked, for instance, you are more apt to assume someone is attacking you when they may in fact just be trying to ask you a harmless question.
You realize there is no one right way of experiencing anything. What is right for him is right for him and what is right for you is right for you. We are all just trying to get our needs met. Of course, there are right and wrong behaviors. There is morality. But that is different than how you experience your life. Feeling hurt or sad or angry or confused is not a moral question, it just is what it is.
His expressions – even if he is talking about you! – are revealing who he is. You no longer feel the need to defend yourself all the time now that you have seen his book and read all the labels on his outfit. Now you go through disagreements with him and look for common ground instead. Look for ways to connect instead. Your differences are no longer threatening, they are enlightening. You no longer seek to place blame when the two of you struggle to connect. You no longer think conflict is all your fault. Nor do you think conflict is all his fault. Conflict is no longer threatening. Conflict is now just a natural thing that happens from time to time because you are different individuals navigating life with different mental maps.
Communication is how you figure out where you both are standing and how to navigate to some common lands. Ask questions. Express your own feelings gently and without blame. Listen. Love. Ask for what you need. Don’t expect that he will just know. He may not know, but he may want to learn about you.
We have to reach out to each other and really listen and try to find common ground with less guilt and shame and less willfulness. More openness. There is nothing wrong with your map, your scrapbook, your outfit. There is nothing wrong with my map, my scrapbook, my outfit. Your perspective is yours. My perspective is mine. I will try to understand you. You will try to understand me. We are both flawed confused humans trying to make sense of this nonsensical world. Be kinder to yourself and to others.
Everything I do and say is an expression of what I have been through and how I feel and what I need. My words and actions are not an indictment of you, they are an expression of me.
That is theory of mind to me.
(Now I should add that some people are very very damaged. There are people in this world that have no conscience. There are people who will harm others and use others and do so with no shame. Your duty as an adult in this world is to learn about yourself. Learn your story. Learn your needs. Learn your feelings. Learn about your formative experiences. That way, when you meet a person whose mental map is so askew that they will harm you, you can see that clearly and not try to help or fix someone who is beyond helping or fixing. Some people are beyond helping or fixing. They are on a different kind of journey. It is okay to simply wish them well in your heart and move on without investing in that connection. You get to choose who you want in your life.)