My Addiction Defined
1/11/21 – I am addicted to numerous behaviors and substances, so I am not concerned with one thing, I am concerned with a pattern. I define addiction as repetitive behavior or substance use that helps me run away from myself and feels beyond my control. Usually, the behavior or substance that is my addictive focus is something that provides immediate gratification but longer term suffering. A behavior is not addictive if I am consciously choosing to act in that manner and I could easily consciously choose not to act in that matter. A behavior is addictive if I decide not to act in that manner but still find myself acting in that manner anyway. The nonsensical nature of deciding not to do something I perceive as self-harming or problematic and then still doing it anyway even though I know it will lead to regret is part of the pain of addiction. Addiction is crazy-making.
(Please note that I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs, so I am not addressing physical changes to the brain and body that come from substance abuse. I am only addressing the psychological component of addiction in this writing.)
My Addiction Explained
I have difficulty understanding my feelings and accepting them. I have difficulty expressing my feelings. I have difficulty keeping my feelings in perspective. When I am aware that I feel angry or sad or hurt – and that awareness can take some time – my inclination is to assume those feelings will consume me forever. Intellectually, I know this is not the case. I have had those feelings before and they did not destroy me. I know that I can feel those things and even express them and they will pass. But I have a gut reaction that tells me those feelings will destroy me.
I was raised in a home where those feelings were completely off limits for me. If I expressed those feelings, I was completely rejected and treated as if I was a horrible person unworthy of human companionship. I was expected to be happy and easy to get along with at all times. I was not to have any emotional needs or any personal boundaries and I was not to expect any kindness, compassion, assistance or even recognition from anyone ever. I was never supposed to be a fully formed person with feelings and needs. I was only supposed to be a resource for others to use to get their needs met and to help sooth their feelings. As a result, I am profoundly uncomfortable with my more vulnerable feelings and when I am aware that I MIGHT have difficult feelings building or I MIGHT have needs that require being vulnerable, all I want to do is avoid that stuff. I want to RUN! And that is how I experience it. Not, I want to run. But I want to RUN! I want to check out. In one way or another, I need to find comfort.
When those scary feelings and needs well up, I have to escape because the fear is too great. The fear that I do not exist, I don’t matter, I am being selfish if I want to exist, I am bad, I am unworthy of love – that fear feels like death to me. That fear feels like I might be inches away from wanting to take my own life. I know there will be negative consequences for indulging in my addictions, but in those moments, I don’t care. That phrase is a recurring indicator of addictive behavior for me. I often think to myself, “I should not do this, but I don’t care. I need this right now.”
My Addiction Treatment
My treatment is not fool proof. It is a long uphill slog. But it is working. Slowly but surely, I am making progress. I do not measure progress by days of abstinence or challenges met, I find those measures counter productive. As far as I can tell, addiction is a form of suicide prevention. It is a form of self-care. It is self-destructive, but only in so far as it is me destroying a false sense of self. Addiction is self-destructing by destroying the false sense of self that I built as a helpless child in an untenable situation. I do this in order to form a better sense of self. Like when a fire burns the brush in a forest and that allows light to reach the new chutes on the forest floor so there can be new growth. Is that fire bad? Addiction is me trying to survive. So my treatment is to LISTEN to my story unfolding. Listen to my behavior. Not try to control it. Not try to excise behaviors I have intellectually decided to banish. But to honor my choices as necessary.
When I say, “I should not do this, but I don’t care. I need this right now.” It means I need this right now. I am in danger. I am in pain. I need comfort. I need problems I might be able to solve – like alcoholism or overeating or overspending or whatever. Because the problems I cannot imagine ever solving – worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness – are about to destroy me.
I measure progress in my addiction treatment by how well I am taking care of myself overall. Am I taking better care of myself physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Am I learning and growing? Am I being kinder to myself instead of beating myself up all the time? Am I enjoying life more? Am I able to dream more? Can I better imagine a healthy future? Are my relationships improving? Is my health improving? Am I interacting with the world more? Those are all markers that I am making progress on my real problem which is a lack of self-definition.
Addiction is a symptom, not the problem. Addiction is a symptom of a weakly defined sense of self. And taking away the addictive substance or behavior is taking away the small measure of comfort I was allowing myself. That is never going to solve the problem. My treatment for the problem is to expand the palette of self-care, not contract it. I practice accepting myself as I am. I practice being flawed and damaged but also being healthy and happy at the same time. I practice having difficult feelings. I practice being a person. I practice wanting a future. That is how I treat my addiction. Also, I practice being vulnerable and opening my heart to other people and other experiences. That is the hardest part of my treatment by far. SO HARD! But I keep practicing. And I do see improvements in all areas of my life. I do see my addictive episodes lessening both in frequency and in intensity. I am learning to have my difficult feelings and even to talk about them. And this is lessening my fear of them. I do still have bouts of self-destruction. But I recognize those experiences as opportunities to wake up and listen. I still feel crazy when I do things I know will harm me. But I feel that harm as a necessary adjustment, a kick in the ass telling me to adjust my course yet again. That I am compromising myself in some way I cannot afford again. My addictive episodes tell me that I am being untrue to my true self and I once again need to self-destruct in order to destroy yet another false idea of myself. I now know my addictions to be me creating solvable problems to take me away from problems I am afraid might be unsolvable. Instead of freaking out about the symptom that is addiction, I try to accept my behavior and continually refocus on the true problem, building a better sense of self and a better life for myself. A life that truly suits me. A life where I no longer need an escape.
My Addiction Breakthrough
I had a strange experience in February of 2020 that forever changed my perspective on addiction and recovery. I had recently become invested in two unique “relationships”. One was a relationship with music and the man behind that music. The other was a relationship with a man and the story behind that man. Both of them affected me profoundly one weird day in February. The music man was Scott Hutchison of Frightened Rabbit. Scott ended his life in 2018 after creating some of the most powerful music I have ever heard. The story man was Arvid. Arvid has his own suicide story and the biggest heart I have ever encountered. Together they helped me fully understand my grief and my joy. My pain and my love. The meaning of life.
As you may have guessed, I have been in therapy for years. And maybe all those years of therapy prepared the soil for what would take root on that day in February, I don’t know. What I do know is that something special happened that day and in a moment ALL of my cravings and self-destructive desires disappeared instantly. I felt no internal struggle. I had been crying unconsolably while watching this video of Scott singing “I Wish I Was Sober”. I am not generally one to cry much, so this was a strange experience. And I thought to myself, “He died fighting his addictions. He lost his battle. I cannot afford to WISH I was sober now. I have been wishing that for too long. I have to BE sober now. Period. I have to pick up the baton that Scott dropped and continue on. Keep fighting.” And in that moment, all desire to waste time or stall my life just vanished. I had no interest in anything that was not moving me forward. It was amazing. I have been at war with myself all my life and have never found true peace until that moment. It was like God or The Great Spirit or The Flying Spaghetti Monster reached into my heart and put out a painful fire that had been burning there since I can remember. I felt whole and soothed. I felt loved and loving. I felt ready and willing to live.
I am still struggling to understand what happened that day. It felt miraculous then and still does. The destructive appetites stayed completed gone for about 4 or 5 months and that was a glorious time. They did eventually return, but not as strong and I am making progress in my work to free myself from false desires. But my understanding of it all so far is this…. If Scott could come back. If any of those we lost to suicide could come back. If we could hear their wishes for us. I am pretty certain I felt his wishes for me that day. If the dead could speak. If the dead could have just one more day here on this mortal coil, they would impart this wisdom… enjoy yourself. Savor your time. Don’t waste a moment hating yourself or hurting yourself. Just love. Just be. Enjoy your body, your feelings, your mind. Have fun. Take in all of the beauty and sweetness. Roll around in the mud of life. Play and get dirty. Scrape up your knees. Don’t be afraid. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.
Note on addiction and suicide… I believe suicide and addiction are integrally related. And I think the message we all can take from celebrity suicides and addictions is this…. societal definitions of success are worthless. We each have to find the life that suits us. We have to be willing to risk everything to do that. Or else we may find ourselves achieving goals that are meaningless for our own journey and then succumbing to self-harm because we feel hopeless and trapped. Maybe Anthony Bourdain was not meant to be a television chef guy. Maybe his true calling was to raise a few goats in some tiny bumblefuck town and make goat cheese. Maybe he landed in a life that did not suit him and he could not find a way to create a more suitable life in the face of so much “success”. Ditto for Kate Spade. Ditto for Spalding Gray. Ditto for all of us who show so much promise and have so many gifts but feel so unsatisfied and scared that we are living wrong. Status and wealth are consolation prizes. Seek joy and a peaceful heart. Seek your own personal truth and let go of everything else. It is within your power to set yourself free. Everything is about love. Practice building a self you can love. Build a life worth living.